Prayer and meditation have played an important role in my spiritual development. But, for many years, those concepts were largely theoretical. I struggled to practice them consistently and experienced tremendous self-judgment whenever I endeavored to. It felt like everyone else got the manual on how to be spiritual except me.
I spent years searching for guidance in systems and communities outside of myself. If I could just read that book or attend this service, I'd finally "get" it. I would feel like other people looked when practicing their faith. But nothing I tried brought the desired effect. I always felt inferior in my faith.
My insecurity largely stemmed from the persistent doubt I experienced when engaging in spiritual practices. Is this really the answer? But what about this apparent contradiction or that inconsistency? And--most pressingly--what if I get it wrong? My unrelenting inner critic prevented me from ever fully connecting to the practices and people before me. My judgment created an insurmountable barrier that precluded me from accessing the peace and guidance that those around me seemed to experience.
For many years, I had no idea that I was getting in my own way. Even when I realized that fact, I didn't know how to move. The voice of my inner critic felt safe. It had protected me from so much, or so it seemed. I resisted the idea of doing anything without first assessing whether I thought it would work.
I'd love to report that a determined effort allowed me to move beyond my own doubt and judgment. But, such a direct approach never served me. Ultimately, my solutions came from the most unexpected places.
Nine years into my spiritual journey, I met an atheist who taught me how to pray. I could hear her experience because she did not have the thing I thought I needed to begin--an unshakeable faith in a well-defined and understood God. Following her suggestions, I began, slowly, to identify and ask the Universe to provide the things I needed each day.
If prayer is asking and meditation is listening, I did a lot of asking without much listening over the years that followed. Even after finding a way to connect with a higher power, I still resisted the idea of practicing stillness as a means of accessing internal guidance. My busy mind didn't appear to be a very safe place to spend any appreciable amount of time. Again, my answer came from an unexpected source.
Newly postpartum, I discovered Melissa Wood Health, a gentle, but effective combination of yoga and pilates. Consistently practicing with Melissa Wood Tepperberg not only helped me physically recover from pregnancy and birth, it created a pocket of peace in each day. That peace became so precious to me as I experienced increasingly severe and undiagnosed postpartum depression. Notwithstanding the deep love I had for my family, there were some very dark days in which my only hope came from the minutes I spent on my mat. I know now that my peace stemmed from my consistent connection to my body and breath. MWH movements literally breathed life back into me. So, when the platform expanded to include other creators, I was willing to try meditation.
Drawing on the discipline that I had developed from practicing the MWH method, I began a consistent kundalini meditation practice with Erika Polsinelli as a member of her Evolve community. Connecting to my breath on a daily basis finally revealed the true purpose of a spiritual practice. It's not about finding the answers that assuage all doubts. Rather, the aim of a spiritual practice is to align myself with the Universe and all it has to offer.
Today, I know that I don't have to solve my internal resistance to begin a spiritual practice. I can begin exactly where I am. My practice will clear the path far better than I ever could. It will bring me into alignment with my highest self and everything that is meant for my highest good. Each moment spent in prayer and meditation gives me greater clarity and more peace. I can accept what is, because I know that I am doing my part to co-create the life I crave. I can surrender to the process, understanding that I am responsible for the effort, not the outcome. When I take the next indicated action, trusting that I will be taken care of, my life evolves in the most beautiful and unexpected ways.
For more is always revealed.
XO,
Katy
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