For most of my life, I've wanted to be perfect. I never really knew what that meant, but I knew it was something a person ought to be. So, as with most things, I searched outside of and around myself for clues. In school, perfect meant straight A's. In finance, it meant paying my own way. In relationships, perfect was never letting someone down. I went about life collecting bits of "perfect" from the expectations and societal norms I encountered. I started so early that it never occurred to me to compare the models I found to my own inner truth. I did not yet know that any sort of truth could be found within, much less one that could supersede what others appeared to want from me.
I thought my quest for perfection gave me control and freedom. In reality, I was surrendering my agency in favor of conformity. With each passing day, I gave up a little more of me to make room for the me I thought the world expected. This persistent self-abandonment left me insecure and uncertain. Subconsciously, I was pissed. Every cell of my being called for recognition, which I was incapable of giving myself or accepting from others while prioritizing performative perfection.
I would love to say that finding a spiritual path cured my debilitating obsession with perfection. It did not. Nor could it until I stopped measuring the success of my spiritual practice against the circumstances of my life (more on that here). Recent shifts in my relationship to faith and the divine finally illuminated a different path.
Through consistent meditation, movement, and expression, I have surrendered my need for perfection. I accept and embrace that I am perfectly imperfect. I am exactly who I am meant to be. And my shortcomings are perfectly designed to help me become my highest and best self. As Jenna Zoe explains, I am here to test things out in life, to see what works and what doesn't, and to gain wisdom from the outcome. I am here to be unafraid to fail, because each of my failures is a stepping stone to success--even my failed efforts to attain perfection.
My struggle with perfectionism has expanded my creative vision and inspired me to reimagine so many things about life, especially as I raise two young, perfectly imperfect, kids. I am a better, more attuned mother; a kinder, more forgiving partner; and a gentler, more compassionate person. So much of my current success stems directly from my "failed" quest for perfection. Traversing that rocky path has added such richness and depth to my human experience. I gratefully acknowledge and embrace not just the gifts, but also the journey.
For more is always revealed.
XO,
Katy
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