Hurry up and wait. For most of my life, patience has not been one of my strong suits. When I put my mind to something, I become convinced that I am ready for it ... NOW! For many years, I struggled with waiting for the things I so desperately wanted. I found it especially difficult to watch those around me receive while I ... just ... waited. I went with mixed emotions to weddings, baby showers, going away parties, and professional celebrations. While genuinely happy for my friends as they began their next adventures, a part of me quietly wondered when it would be my "turn."
As my impatience grew, so did my resolve. I must not be putting myself "out there" enough. Attempting to draw on my strong work ethic, I threw myself into thinking creatively and trying harder to find the things I thought I lacked. Still, they didn't come.
That's not to say that my efforts bore no fruit. They did. But the relationships and opportunities that I wrought from life through determined effort were, ultimately, not ones meant for me. They didn't fit. The more I tried to muscle my way into the life I wanted, the further away it felt.
In desperate confusion, I tried bargaining with the Universe. I would give more of myself to others, if only the Universe would ... fill in the blank. This, too, yielded the opposite results. The more I bargained and bartered for what I thought I wanted--a specific relationship or opportunity--the more remote true peace and contentment became. The Universe isn't Santa Claus.
When living in waiting, I would often hear people say things like, "The Universe has only three answers: Yes, not right now, or I have something better." Although they helped at first, these words ultimately served only to heighten my anticipation. They made the waiting more difficult. If not this, what? If not now, when?
It also didn't help to be told that what I so desperately sought would finally arrive when I "stopped looking" for it. My response to that suggestion was always the same, "Great. Exactly how do I stop looking?" Crickets.
Thankfully, I had some wise people in my life who frequently and gently reminded me that human beings are programmed to want most of what I sought. Our natural instincts compel us to seek safety, security, and companionship. It was ok for me to want those things.
Things finally started shifting for me when I began recognizing--and celebrating--the ways in which my needs were already being met. I had a home, a dream job, and a fabulous network of friends. The Universe had already provided so much. When I let myself enjoy those gifts, the pressing need to find the next one abated. I danced, laughed, and traveled on a whim. I had a standing dinner date every Friday night with my closest friends. I became truly present in the life I was living, no longer distracted by the one I hoped would come.
Looking back on it now, I miss those days. I am immensely grateful for the joy and adventure they held. They taught me who I was and the importance of living in the now. Finally letting go of my need to have the life that I envisioned in the timeframe that I defined created space for the Universe to provide. The right relationship came--although it looked nothing like I imagined. The children came--although not before a series of devastating losses. Even as those things arrived in rapid succession, there was still waiting to be done. But today, I know the true gift of divine timing. It's not just the "something better," it's the perspective and presence that comes from having waited.
I heard recently that the big things are worthy of the journey to get them. That is so true. Life is such a gift. It deserves to be lived, each and every moment. The time spent waiting for what I have today was not wasted. It wasn't a punishment for not being or doing enough. It was a beautiful opportunity--not just to grow into the person who could attract the life I wanted--but to build the foundation on which that life could securely rest. I don't take the things and people in my life for granted. The time I spent waiting for them reminds me every day what incredible blessings they are. That is the gift of divine timing. Waiting for what I want enables me to be fully and gratefully present when it arrives.
There are still things I long to call into this life, adventures I'm waiting to undertake. But the waiting no longer holds any bitterness for me. I am profoundly grateful for this beautiful life. I respect that the next phase will close deeply meaningful chapters, so I cherish them now. And I know that the chapters to come will be made all the more rewarding by the journey--and time--required to reach them.
For more is always revealed.
XO,
Katy
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